I learned today that fear is only in the faculty of our consciousness and thought. And thanks to our Amygdala (what a jargon, right?), it’s a normalcy to feel it. It’s an expression of this unpleasant emotion caused by a threat of danger, pain, or harm. I call it “Anxiety attack.”
You know what, I used to have a faulty belief about fear. I used to view it as abysmal. But then I realised, if people stop fearing, we could miss out on many things. And not just things, victories and opportunities. Setting the focal point on one of the greatest heroines of this generation, Katniss Everdeen, she was able to vanquish her demons both by being afraid and by facing fear. Isn’t that awe-inspiring? Think about the inventor of the flashlight, without maybe the fear of the dark, he or she will not be able to pioneer a beneficial tool. Fight or flight, as they say. Your choice.
Lately, I’m having the greatest privilege of witnessing the beauty of sunrises five days in a week. And I’m sure won’t forget memories of it ever. It would probably evoke youthful thoughts when I get older. Anyway, the point is, fear always comes with a companion. And that we call, courage. Write this down: Whenever you feel fear, no matter what your reaction is or will be, think of it as a chance. A make or break moment. A win-win situation. An opportunity of evolving. You’ll never know how that can end up somewhere.
Enjoy every waking moment and embrace all the emotions.
Lucy, I can never forget the first time I met you. It was a normal Thursday at Cafe Roubien and you were with your roommate Shosh drinking hot vanilla. You wearing that plain white polo blouse together with your favorite jeans and slip-ons. You and Shosh were laughing so hard that all the other customers at the coffee house were staring. But you guys didn’t mind because it was a very special day for you both. I can never forget the way you looked that day. I’m pretty sure that your eyes sparkled. From that day on, I make a point to drink caffeine just to see you.
Lucy, I was so glad when I caught up with you in the summer of March 8th when your lab partner ditched you and you got no ride to go home. It was the first time that we talked and I was so relieved that I was not nervous at all when I offered to take you home. I remember you talking about Biology and how you love your teacher and the projects that you did for that subject. I was so in love with your zealous spirit and your charming personality that I knew to myself that you are the one.
Lucy, today my life will begin again. I have no words for dreams really do come true. You are heaven sent to me and I am forever blessed that God chose you to be my life partner.
Lucy, I promise to wake up at four in the morning for our daily run. I promise that I would assist you in buying groceries every Friday night and to help you in stacking them afterwards. I promise to be home early for our movie marathon nights and to not forget to buy popcorn and ice cream. I promise to drive you for frozen yogurt whenever you had a bad day. I promise to watch “Breaking Bad” only when I’m with you and to not read episode spoilers online about it. I promise to not be tired and bored whenever you’re shopping. I promise to not tickle your feet because that annoys you as well as comment about how I hate Stephanie Meyer for creating your favourite young adult books. I promise to massage you every other night before you sleep because you told me that you would love it if your husband does that. I promise to let you win in every argument that we will be in but please let me decide which flavours of donuts to take home.
Lucy, I vow to love only you until we parted. I vow to express my every thought, feeling, notion, opinion, whether good or bad, to you. I vow to do the things that makes you happy and not do the things that you detest. I vow to make you smile when you feel that the world is not on your side. I vow to take care of you whenever you feel weak and to wipe your tears whenever you feel the heaviness of things. I vow to support you in every endeavor you wish to take may it be a gray path or not. I vow to keep you safe from all the harmful things. I vow to stand right next to you no matter what. And lastly, I vow to keep this marriage my top priority together with my journey with our one and only Saviour, Jesus Christ.
Life has a black and white filter sometimes. We get tired of it. We feel stressed out of everything. Family. Relationships. Needs. Dreams. A lot of complicated thoughts running on our tiny little brains. Sometimes, we try to cope with it. Do tasks that would ease the burden. To take our minds off the things happening. We escape.
When we escape, we leave everything behind but ourselves. We are in our vulnerable state. At the peak of the mountain cliff. We can either jump or take time to enjoy the view. We rate our lives. 10 being fantastic and 1 being pathetic. We slice ourselves into two. We ditch the other one and with the other, we dressed up new. We have new identities, new clothes, even personalities. We drive to the limbo to forget. We can be anything we want to be. We could be a junkie, a hobo maybe, or even a psycho in just a snap. Doing that, we feel elated. Highly of ourselves. Drunk in thoughts. Drowned with ecstasy. It’s a different world. Colours everywhere. Balloons are not falling. The thickness of the air is less strangling. People are dancing. And children are running all over the place. And in just a snap, we go back.
We return to the real world. Party’s over. Life again is pale blue. We see traffic and smoke. Streets are once again dirty. Words hurt. Breathing gets heavy. We are stuck. The underpass is never ending. Bad choices are looming. Criticisms and doubts are our next door neighbour. We are caught up with reality. Shittier than reality television. Bad days are eating us all. Survival, we think, is impossible. Our souls are craving for some good food. Something fulfilling and gripping. The puzzle should be finished. Loop holes should be fixed. We know one thing that we need.
Intimacy Versus Isolation
Later this week, I came across with an article about Psychosocial Development. It is a theory written by Erik Erikson which basically explains the stages of life. Whilst digesting the gist, I could not shake the questions simultaneously popping in my brain. Questions like “Am I on the right track based on this theorem?” and “What happened to me during that phase?” Answering the questions gave me a swift rewind button moment like I’m Adam Sandler holding his fictional remote control. A pool of memories (but mostly high school and college recollection.)
Based on Erikson’s concept and with the way I’m feeling at this particular age, I’m in the INTIMACY VERSUS ISOLATION phase which states that “young adults need to form intimate, loving relationships with other people. Success leads to strong relationships, while failure results in loneliness and isolation.” Thus, in order to achieve an intimate relationship, the person should have attained a fully formed sense of self which should unfold on the previous phase — IDENTITY VERSUS ROLE CONFUSION.
At present time, I have the assurance that I’ve sowed enough seeds on good soil for the foundation of my long-term intimate relationships. I’m currently in the process of nursing them to be strong and fruitful so that during Harvest time, the next phases, it would all be about Happiness, Contentment, and Wisdom. I’m full of excitement to discover new fields as well as I’m pumped with fresh ideas on how to plant seeds for my tomorrow!
Last week was fantastic. My mom did an amazing job at the Career Day at school. She inspired a lot of my classmates to pick up a pen and write. Well, blogs are futuristic and all but my mom made writing cool again. As I’ve told you, my mom is a well-renowned children’s book author. And she won so many awards and medals for her work. We are actually living at a very big house because of her.
Someday, I wanna be a writer too. I’m gonna write science fiction for kids and sell my stories to film producers and they would create merchandise for my characters. That would be so cool and hip that my future son and wife would be so proud of me. And I would buy a mansion for them and bring them to out of the country trips like Bali or France. So ritzy that they would think that we’re like the first family of the White House. Anyway, back to my mom, she announced in class that she’s working on a young adult novel about ballerinas and that she hopes that when we go to high school, we could buy the book and read it. I love my mom. She’s so cool. Sometimes when she’s freeing her mind, she would ask us to go grab our coats because she’s gonna take us to eat frozen yogurt at the park and sometimes she would wake us at night to give us tasty midnight snacks and tell us she loves us dearly. That’s just my awesome mom. The greatest mom in the entire world. Actually, right at this very moment, she’s calling us for dinner. I saw her cooking at the kitchen so I’m sure that what we’re having tonight is good food. So I guess that’s it for now. Later, Journal.
Soon to be Writer
Constricted air passages. One count then breathe, that’s the habit of the year. Time passes but nothing’s changed. Growing pains, they say. They even coined a term for it: Quarter Life Crisis.
A good friend of mine told me that it is just a state of mind. A tiny idea in our brain that we have to get by. It, too, will pass. Somewhere along the way you’ll see that little light building up at the end of the tunnel. And yeah, everything is gonna fall into the right place and new highways to cross will be discovered. It kinda reminds me of a line of a song that goes “round and round we go.” Perpetual sighing, it sure is a relief. Contemplation proceeds with different shapes and sizes. Colours bursting like fireworks. Rocky road trips reminisced. And then, it’s time to get back in town. Just don’t mind your wristwatch.
How will i ever get out of this labyrinth?
- Simon Bolivar
"In short: If you want to get rich, go to law school and become a corporate attorney. If you want to do something fulfilling and be guaranteed of a living wage, become a teacher. If you want to entertain and enlighten people, become a writer… and be prepared for the possibility that you’ll live on noodles for a long time."